“What is a legacy? It’s planting seeds in a garden you never get to see.” —Hamilton, “The World Was Wide Enough”
When I was younger I used to think that your life wasn’t worth much unless you had acquired some sort of fame. I desperately wanted to be an actress; and not just because of the fame (I really did/do love acting), but I thought I could never label myself an actress unless I was famous. I think it was a combination of what my parents and myself considered to be successful. I truly believed that until I had “made it”, that I couldn’t acknowledge myself to be known as anything. And to be honest, it wasn’t until recently that I realized fame has no concrete affirmation of determining who you are and what your legacy is.
With the risk of sounding like a cliche – motherhood changed me, and not just in the most obvious ways. It changed me so deeply and cracked my heart open in ways I didn’t think possible. I feel like I see clearer now as it opened a whole new world of what’s out there and what it means to really live.
I recently got to see Hamilton for the second time. It’s amazing how one show can really pull at your center and drop you into a new part of yourself. I loved getting to see it a second time because I really had a better understanding of the story they were telling. It’s such a beautiful show that I was so overwhelmed the first time I saw it. I cried so much I didn’t know how to bring myself back to reality. But, this last show had my undivided attention. I felt like I really could comprehend the definition of legacy and what it stands for in each of us. It doesn’t matter how much money we make, how many friends or followers we have. What matters are the seeds we leave behind.
It’s no secret that I still have dreams bigger than life; which I think is one of the most healthy parts of existing. But, I no longer feel that my life won’t be worth anything unless I’ve reached fame. My fame comes from behind the gray eyes of my son. From the raw hugs as he digs his way closer to my heart. From the desire to play games, snuggle, watch movies, and just be together. He loves me.
I went to dinner tonight and I witnessed two young teens rush over with such excitement to their dad as he walked into the restaurant. Each of them jumped into his arms and gave him the biggest bear hug. Before stepping away one daughter held onto his hand and led him to the table, looking at his face with such love and adoration. It really warmed my heart. I can only hope that my own son will continue to greet me in this same way. I would be so honored for my legacy that I leave behind to be how much I loved my son. That would be enough.