I’m not ready for Kindergarten

“Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory.” 

~ Dr. Suess

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Motherhood is such a wild ride. You wait in line for months just waiting for this adventure to begin. Then suddenly you’ve fastened your seat belt, braced yourself, and GO. Unlike a real ride, this one doesn’t slow down and you never get off. You may break down from time to time. You might even have to tighten your seat belt every now and again. But from the moment it’s GO time – you go, and soar, twist and turn, and try to hold on for the biggest adventure of your life thus far.

I look back at when B was first born and remember discussing how school seemed so incredibly far away. I didn’t put thought to what school he would go to, other than I wanted him to go to a public school. I didn’t go to public school and I feel like I missed out on building a community. I didn’t have a tight knit group of friends growing up. The school I went to was really small and I always felt like an outcast. Not because anybody picked on me, I just didn’t make any deep connections to my peers. I had a really hard time adjusting to high school when I finally got to attend a public school. I was in such culture shock I cried on registration day. When I think about it now, I probably had an anxiety attack and didn’t know how to cope.

It has always been in my mind that if I had went to a “normal” school my whole life, I would have built relationships with my classmates, created a group of friends and made a community I felt safe in. I drifted through a lot of groups in high school trying to find where I fit in. I did cheer, and dance and drama. But none of those groups overlapped and I still felt like an outsider. Who can really say if it’s all because of where I went to school or if it’s just who I am, but it is something I’ve held on to. Because of this I promised myself my kids would always go to public school when it was time.

My son went to a private little preschool the past two years that I just loved. He loved it! We were both really sad when it was time to move on. Now that it’s time to venture into Kindergarten  I am having a really hard time. I visited B’s school and met all of the kinder teachers. They were wonderful. The school is wonderful! But, I’m nervous.

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Because I didn’t go to a public school I don’t know what to expect. It seems so big for such a little guy. And I understand people go to school every day and he will be fine. But now I also understand the decision my parents made to send me to such a small private school. Sending your kids off to school can be so daunting. And to be perfectly honest? I’m not ready for Kindergarten. Some nights I lay in bed awake and worry about all of the things that can happen to him: bullying, getting lost, him being scared, not being safe. The list goes on and on. I don’t really know how to navigate my fears as we are both venturing into the unknown.

But I do know this.

As much as I would give anything to stay home with my little guy and teach him everything he needs to know. I know that I can’t do that. I know that the best thing I can do for him is to send him off into the world so he can learn all of the tools he needs to succeed in life. The world can be such a scary place (trust me, I know!) and my job as his mom is to help him learn how to adapt and grow into himself with confidence.

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I wish that parenting was easier and that kids never grew up and they stayed little forever. But babies don’t keep. And all I can do is breath, pray, and love on my little man as much as I can. It is quite amazing how his precious smile and contagious giggle fills up my heart with love and the confidence to know that he’s got this. Because he does. They all do!

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Are you nervous about sending your kids off to school? I’ve love to know how you’re coping in the comments!

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All pictures taken by the incredible Reams Photo

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